Life After Allie

This will be the first time I will write about you and expect that this will not be the last.
For some odd reason, I cannot seem to understand why am I feeling this way.
For some odd reason, I felt like a lot has changed, all together at once.

This past three days have been very confusing and too overwhelming for me, because there's something that's bothering my head and maybe my heart too.
My brain was or is still puzzled, causing my thoughts to be in disarray.
My heart is still a mess because of these feelings I shouldn't feel, causing these sudden burst of emotions I can't even contain.

I'm confused. I'm not sure whether to entertain or forget about these feelings.
No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to avoid them.

Those small gestures, exchanged smiles, shared little moments, stolen glances that made my heart feel flustered. When I look at you, my brain goes all awry and I just want to hug you or sit beside you while holding your hand. Those times I watched you sing while playing the guitar and caught in the moment, it seemed like everything came to a halt and that's the time I realized I'm starting to like you. Oh gosh,saying err typing it out loud, that felt good. I tried to shake these thoughts away from my head but seeing you that way, I knew I can no longer hold it in. It was a sudden flash of emotions. I'm starting to like you more than I thought I would and that scares me.

My mind is so enthralled with you and I have all these things I wanted to say to you but I can't find the courage and I'm afraid that you don't feel the same way. I've tried not to catch feelings because I know it's better that way.

2 nights ago, I was upset with you, I don't even know why, you haven't done anything wrong. It's just me. In a split second, I'm not in the mood, I've lost interest in doing anything that night. I tried not to look disappointed or antsy, I guess you didn't noticed.

I spent the whole night thinking, contemplating about these feelings. Took me a little while before I went to sleep. I wanted to text you that time, ask you how your day was, ask if you're okay after the game, I just wanted to talk to you, to know a little more about you.

Sunday morning came and I thought that all this will come to an end. That I was just having a huge cloud of confusion the night before. I thought that after a good night sleep, the feelings will just fade away but I was wrong. I tried very hard to avoid being near you, not to talk to you but all I wanted to do was the opposite of what I'm thinking.

When I heard you sing, it was like music to my ears, I can't help but wonder what it's like to be serenaded by you. I'm not used to this feeling after a long long time, please give me time to think this through. I just want you to know all this so I can let this off my chest, I'm scared of what you'll think. That's why I don't need to know what you feel about this. I'm scared of rejection.

I know that someday I will be brave enough to say all of this to you in person, by the time that I'm very much deserving of you.

Happy heart's day everyone!
I started the day by attending the worship service this morning, had lunch with the family and strolled around the mall for a while and then went home to attend the youth service. It was a day well spent, though I don't have that "special someone" to spend it with just yet, I'm so grateful to have the chance to spend the heart's day with my family and church friends.




Reading
My Heart and other Black Holes.
I just started reading this suicide-themed book last night and so far so good. (Not in a way that I am pro-suicide, okay?) The story revolves around a girl named Aysel who's obsessed plotting her own death. She’s terrified that she will turn out to be a monster like her father, who killed a local teen.


Writing
my to dos for this coming week


Listening
my February track list.

Reading
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. This past week bigla ko naisipan panuorin uli yung  HP series and I decided to read the books again. Bringing out again the Potterhead in me. I'm halfway through finishing the second book.

Writing
The Sunday Currently 04

Listening
Closer I Get To You (Luther Vandross ft. Beyonce) Been playing this song for days now. Lakas makapakilig e!




Thinking
TBH, there are so many things going on in my mind right now–mostly things that I shouldn’t be (spending so much time) thinking about. Ugh, the feels!

Smelling
the lingering smell of my perfume in my room.

Wishing
for a better month. Life has been pretty great on the start of new year and wishing I'm praying for the continuity of it.

Hoping
for a fun month ahead. I have loads of plans for this month. Sana lang ma-accomplish ko lahat in time.

Wearing
my church clothes. I just got home from church a few minutes ago when I decided writing this entry.

Loving
the cold weather...brrrr ♥

Wanting
to go to Divisoria to buy the vanity stool I saw at Janina's YT vid kaso wala pang time!

Needing
a new iphone case, been wanting to replace my Iron Man ones (not that I don't love Tony Stark for that matter), I just needed a variation from my collection. Heh!

Feeling
HAPPY...... I don't know why, I just do. ☺

*Watching 
of course, the Harry Potter series. I am now on the the 4th installation, the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Oh! Cedric Diggory, why do you have to be so gorgeous? (But still Fred Weasley ~ James Phelp is my ultimate Bae ♥)




Join The Sunday Currently link-up by siddathornton!

Darating din yung araw.
Yung araw na mamimiss mo ko.
Yung araw na marerealize mo kung ano yung worth ko.
Yung araw na maiisip mo na may isang tao na nagmamahal sayo at binalewala mo lang.


Darating din yung araw na maiisip mo bakit mo ako iniwan at magsisisi ka.
Yung araw na di mo na ko makikitang malungkot at nagmumukmok.
Yung araw na maiisip mo kung gaano ako kahalaga sayo.


Darating din yung araw.
Yung araw na hindi na ako ganito.
Yung araw na titigil na akong magsulat ng tungkol sayo.
Yung araw na hindi na ako iiyak ng dahil sayo.
Yung araw na masaya na rin ako tulad mo.
Yung araw na okay na ako.
Yung araw na hindi na ako maghihintay at aasa sayo.


Darating din yung araw.
Yung araw na titigil na akong mahalin ka.


Pero sana bago pa dumating yung araw na yun, bumalik ka na. Mahal pa rin naman kita.

Credits: Open Letters That Matter

This quote/paragraph/saying/thought/wordings (whatever you wanna call it), pretty much sums up all my feels right now. I don’t know why but these past few days, I’m filled with thoughts and emotions that drives me to write and express my feelings through words and letters.

But just like what the paragraph said.. “ I would rather spill my coffee on myself than write about you…” And I’m very positive that it would burn less. I want my writings to be full of happiness and feelings of great joy not with anger and bitterness from the past.

I wanted to write, express my thoughts through writings but I don’t want it to be about heartaches, bad experiences and brokenness.
I don’t want to write anything about you anymore..

Because whenever I do that, whenever I write about you, I just feel sad, disappointed and broken, just like what I’m feeling right now.

That is why, “ I’d rather spill my coffee on myself than write about you, because that would burn less. ”

I love you.

Like how I love my coffee in the morning.

Like how I love the smell of my new books.

Like how I love the smell of the sea breeze.

Like how I love taking long baths at night.

Like how I love the sounds of the rain.

Like how I love fries when I’m awfully craving.

Like how I love my burger with no ketchup.

Like how I love to sing on the top of my lungs when my jam comes on.


I love you.

Like how I love my pancakes with maple syrup on top.

Like how I love to write when I’m flooded with thoughts and emotions.

Like how I love to be hugged when I feel cold.

Like how I love my hand to be held when I feel sad.


I love you.

Like the little things that I love.

I find joy on the simple things in life.

You are definitely the equivalent of my cheerful laughs and smiles.

That’s why I like that I love you.

And now that you’re gone,
it will take a little less than a lifetime, for me to love someone else like that.

Proverbs 4:23

“ Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. ”

This will be a great reminder for myself, for I am an emotional gal who always gives her all in everything that she do. The type of person who gets emotionally invested easily. I don’t know the reason behind why I am always like that and obviously, I need to live with it. There are no perks or any baggage for me, I guess, maybe because I never regret anything I put my heart into.

So, as a reminder, please guard your heart Alyssa, for it is your heart that matters most of all.

1. *CHI (capslockparaintense) Technically not a thing but an individual.


2. How to be MORE productive…..At home. At work. At church. And in life.


3. Traveling…on my own, without the parentals to different places here in PH (for now) and maybe abroad.


4. Where would I be 5/10 years from now…


5. Should I pursue Medicine or not? Or just take Masters and Doctorate Degrees? Hmmm. Geee. Hard to decide.


6. My Planner. Constantly thinking about my agendas, lists etc. Everything should be written in ink and paper.


7. Food. Been craving for Pepper Lunch for 3 days now..

3:12 AM

I’m sitting on my bed, writing err typing this. With a cuppa joe on my bedside table whilst listening to Eddie (Ed Sheeran) on Spotify, contemplating about life. I dunno why or how Eddie brought back all the feels I thought that was long gone, waaay gone.


After all these years, I don’t understand why do you still have the same effect on me?


A couple of years ago, my fairy tale ended. And I don’t have the slightest idea on how to pick myself back up. I tried indulging myself on various activities that would take away all my thoughts of you but I was wrong, it only made me miss you even more, made me wish that I should be spending all those activities with you.


In the first few weeks, I was devastated. I was heartbroken and it felt like my heart was taken out of my chest and trampled upon until it stopped beating. It was hard for me to do my routine, maybe because most of the things that I used to do includes you, the one thing that I need to get off of my system. I’ll admit, it was hard at first. To try to put yourself together again, to keep your tears from falling every time you remember him, to act fine and well when you’re crumbling down inside. I refused to succumb to all this pain but I’m proud to say that I survived all those things, all those days that I have to endure alone.


I’ve let myself believe that you’ll come back, that you’ll changed your mind. Maybe I was afraid to accept the fact that I was wrong, that I should get back on my usual senses. I was afraid to let other people come into my life because I was afraid that they will just leave me, just like what you did to me.


And now, I want to thank you for making me stronger, for making me who I am today. If it wasn’t for you I won’t strive for greater things. You helped me be the person I am today. I know things happen for a reason and I’m grateful that it happened. It made me drew myself closer to God and believe that He’s the only one who can fix me, the One who will lead me to the RIGHT person. I just have to wait for it, great things take time. And I’m willing to wait for God’s perfect timing, all I have to do is to delight myself in Him, serve Him, praise Him and trust His heart.


Thank you for everything, thank you for all the lessons and the love you’ve given me, even though we did not end up together, you still have a special place in my heart forever.